Why mommy is breaking down today.

Hello Eli,


It seems as though mommy is having a breakdown quite often these days. Today I actually have a reason. Emily found out she is having a boy. Oh joy. And all that I can do is think about the fact that my son should be here with me. To make matters worse, his middle name will be Scott. Just like yours. I just don't understand why a member of my family would do that? When they know that I am still grieving so much over the loss of you. I've heard the "maybe it's to honor Eli"... Don't you think that if that were the case, she would have at least told me about it? I'm sure it's after Robert. But that just seems all the more disrespectful to me. That's why I named you Eli SCOTT. She might as well just say "Since your son died, I'll use MY living son's name to honor YOUR stepdad". I get it, he was your birth uncle.. But that name was already chosen. Robert was already honored. I just don't understand it at all. I ended up deleting my facebook and I'm really hoping that I keep it down. All it seems to do is start drama and hurt my feelings. People don't think before they speak. I am included in that as well.


There are moments when I need you, son. Moments when I feel your loss so much more than I did just one moment before. It is definitely one of those moments. Last week at your Uncle Josh's house there was a football game on. I'm not going to pretend that I remember or know the football teams that were playing. But I do know that Eli Manning was on one of them. Every time I heard the name Eli my heart just dropped. It was really the first time I had heard anyone other than family use that name. Much less a sportscaster on television. The family across the street was outside about a month ago and the father and son were playing catch and your dad pulled the car under the carport and just started crying. We just don't know how to handle a life without you yet. We miss you so much.


Love you, Eli Scott.
-Mom

I wonder what you are doing up in Heaven as I write you this letter. I think about this often. Are you with my dad? Have you met Tico yet? I wonder if you've ever met the big man himself... I wouldn't doubt it. You are one pretty impressive little fellow.


I've been having dreams lately about being pregnant. I shouldn't say dreams, they have been nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat and I can never go back to sleep. I hyperventilate. I panic. I reach this whole other plateau of just bullshit. How do I tell your dad that I don't have the courage to ever try again? We are only 22 and I know he would not understand. I feel as if my body is a baby tomb. I don't want to lose anyone else. Not any of your future siblings, not your father, not your sister... not anyone. I feel so broken down inside, son. I feel like the ugliness and emptiness of my heart has slowly and surely begun to consume me. Inside and out. I am turning into the black abyss that swallows me whole most days.










I'm sorry that I am so random and scatterbrained tonight. I just want you to know everything that you're missing. I feel such a strong connection to you and writing to you really makes me feel like we have a relationship in some strange way.


I love you so much. You have changed my whole entire life, Eli. I remember seeing your beautiful face. Holding you in my hands. Knowing we would be together again someday. The nurse took you away from us too soon. God took you from us too soon. Life went on without you too soon. But I, my son, I will never forget you. I will never move on as if you had never existed.  The rest of my life time will march on and I will be stuck thinking about the time that you “were”. It is becoming extremely difficult for me to keep the balance of real life, mommy/wife time and still be able to grieve. How do I tell my almost 3 year old that I am crying again because I miss someone she never got to meet? How do I go through this process by myself because your father refuses to grieve, to talk, to even mention your beautiful name? I try to force myself to not get upset because I know that everyone handles these things in their own ways, I am just so tired of feeling so alone. These are the moments that I miss you more than ever. 


My daughter and I speak your name often. And with love. With admiration. With hope. With a sense of longing. I would trade anything in my life to be able to hold you again. See your one last time. You want my eyesight, God? It’s all yours. Eli, your name will never be whispered like a secret. It will always and forever roll off of my tongue like a song that only I know so well. I will never walk on eggshells around anyone and pretend that you have never existed just to make them more comfortable. You are, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful things to ever spend even the smallest moment on this earth and I will never take that for granted or swallow it inside of me to ease anyone else’s life.

There are several things I know for certain: I know you were here. I know I have loved you from the very first moment. I know you loved me. I know I held you in my hands. I know that most cans of soup weigh close to what you did at birth. I know you have changed my life; maybe even more. And I know you awaits us in heaven. 

I will go throughout the rest of my life telling your story, Eli Scott. To everyone who will listen and to those who won’t. To everyone who cares and to those who could care less.

Bottom line: You have died. I will never try to bury that deep down in myself. You are a part of who I am. You have made me who I am today. I will never be ashamed to talk to you or about you.

I love you, son. Your big sister sends her love, also. And I hope you can hear us every night when we talk to you at prayer-time. She always says hello and that she loves you. We are so very proud of you, my son, and we always will be.

My dearest Eli,

The last few days have certainly been rough. Your dad and I have been arguing like crazy. Presley woke us at 3:30 this morning throwing up on her self. Your dad changed the sheets. After I gave her a bath and put her pajamas on, I went back to bed. 8 o'clock came much too soon, son. I was definitely on auto pilot all morning. Zombie mom. Not long after I woke up I got a text from my mom that Tico had gotten out. She wasn't able to look because she had to leave for work. So I text our neighbors and had them searching for me all day because Tory was home and I didn't have a car. I put up two posts on Craigslist and even created a lost dog document with the OKC Animal Welfare Dept. Your dad knew how torn up I was about it all and left work long enough to drive around and look. He also spent his entire lunch break looking for Tico. Well, the neighbors found him on the side of the road. I'm waiting to hear back from my mom to know whether he was hit by a car or if he died from heat or some other cause. It is so extremely hard for me to not be angry with your Mimi right now. I just don't understand why she wouldn't have taken the time to look for a dog who has been in our family for 13 years. How can you just leave him roaming the streets and feel okay with it?! He has been through so much with this family. 2 marriages, one divore, god know how many separations. He was there during my pregnancy when I had virtually no friends. He slept on my bed with me. there were countless times that he could sense my emotions and he would just lay with me. Like he just knew I needed someone. I know that he was 16 years old and could have gone at any time; but that is just such a terrible way to go and Tico most certainly did not deserve that. He deserved the best death possible. Sorry I am rambling, son. I lost you in May, dad in June, and now my trusty dog of 13 years. I'm a bit of a basket case.

I love you, Eli. If you see Tico up there, give him a good old back scratch for me. He loves that. And tell Pops that I said I hope Tico is a lot more quiet in heaven or he has a better sound tolerance.

-Mom