May 22, 2011

My journal's pages are literally beginning to fall down so I am copying this letter here so it is not lost forever.

My Dearest Eli,

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm angry, but I always feel so cheated. I miss you, my son. Holding you for those few brief moments will last forever, and at the same moment, they weren't near long enough. I have never wanted anything as much as I wanted you. I held on to you for as long as I could. When the doctors gave me their diagnosis and asked if I wanted to terminate, I refused. I knew that every second spent with you would be completely worth it. And I was right. I can't help but feel so alone. I want to hold my son. To kiss you. To feel your warm skin in my hands. To watch you grow up. To see your smile and hear your laughter just one time. To see your eyes. To hear your voice. I feel so cheated to be robbed of so many things. You father has been nothing but sweet and supportive and still all I do is continue to feel alone. I cry alone. Crave being by myself. When you left, you left a huge hole inside of me. No mother should have to lose their child. For the rest of my long life, I will have an nonrefillable void. I don't want to try again becaise I don't want you or anyone else to think that I am trying to replace you. Presley doesn't understand pregnancy and she doesn't realize that you are gone, but the day will come when I have to explain that to her and I just have no idea what I will say.

The truth is, your passing has made me question everything in this life: my marriage to your father, my past and future, my faith, my ability to be a mother, my sanity, all of my relationships... every thing. I know it is ridiculous to write a letter that you will never read, but I have to feel like I still have you in some way: other than sitting in a trunk in my bedroom. No mother imagines bringing home her son in a manila envelope.
I've said all I can say for now, Eli. Any more digging and I think I might just lose my mind. I love you, always and forever. 
-Your mother